My beautiful hallucination of you
by Sakura wo Miro
Summary: Spencer fells into madness in the abbey and Kai's suicide doesn't help his state at all. Will Spencer stay at the reality or do he cover himself into his dreams and hallusinations? Rate would really be between T and M
1. the thin line between us

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**Summary: **Spencer falls into a madness when he gets punished in the abbey. Kai's suicide doesn't help Spencer's state and his friends unsure actions are the last drop of it. Can Spencer stay in the reality, or does he start to live in his fantasies and hallucinations?

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**Chapter I: the thin line between us and our consciousness**

I take the pen and I open an old, dirty and half-empty notebook. When you look at it, you would think it's not important to anyone, that there's nothing interesting, that it's just laying on the table just because someone has forgotten it there. The truth is something else. When you open the notebook, when you look at the pages filled with blood-drops, tears and coffee-spills and amazingly beautifully written text, you see that it has someone's life in it. At least half of it.

It has someone's sorrow, pain and hallucinations in it's pages.

Every time I open the notebook, my heart beats ten times harder, powered by all that sorrow and false hope.

I put the pen down and then I pick it up again. I repeat this ten times, I bite my lips until they seep blood. My fingers hit the hard-wooden desk. There's only one blur lamp that lights the desk. I can hardly see my text on the pages.

This time, my pen hits the empty page.

_July, 15th _I write on it's left upper corner. I stop writing. I gaze around. No one's awake. I think about the words in my head. The pen hits the page.

_Diary… I can't help it. I'm madly in love with him… But I don't know does he love me at all. I don't know what he feels towards me, but somehow I know him better than others._ Again, I gaze around, listen to the deep breaths of my teammates. I look at the page. I stare at the coffee-spill on the one corner. I take my pen, put it back to the one edge of the table and I shut my diary that looks like an old notebook. I shut the light and I sit to my bed. I cross my fingers and I stare at them. I gaze at my teammates. I hear quiet cry. Ian is crying while sleep again. I slowly take him to my lap and I rock him slowly. His cries end, now there's just a silent whisper in the air. I put the youngest boy back under his bed-covers and I go back to my bed. I stare out of the window, where the cold Russian night blows. It's not a beautiful night, I think storm's coming by.

I lay awake on my bed, thinking all the misery that I've felt during these fourteen years. I gaze my look back at the window. It's full moon, but dark clouds hide it so the room is darker than it should be. My bed is right next to the window and the though crosses my mind like it does every night. _Why don't you end your life, if it's so awful? Why don't you just open the window and jump?_

But I know I can't do that. I can't do that because I'm afraid of death. And because we might be too low, and maybe I would be just injured badly? My mind sings a simple, quiet lullaby for me. The voice is familiar, it's not my own but someone else's. And I can't go because of him. My star in the skies. My sweet star of hope, something that gives me power to keep going in this hellish life of mine. I close my eyes, I gaze at all those dreams that I cannot reach.

"Can I sleep next to you? I can't— I can't get any sleep…"

There he is, my bright star of hope, my beautiful son of skies, reborn phoenix. I nod at him and he cuddles next to me. I feel his steady breathing on my skin. I stroke his smooth hair, his silky skin, his red, full lips. I reached one of my dreams, that dream where I can share a night with him. I close my eyes and my mind gives me a beautiful dream that soon breaks and gives it's position to a living nightmare.

I wake up when someone yells at me. It's a male, there's no doubt about that. I listen his yelling, how he lists the punishments that I'm now supposed to fulfill. I don't deny anything, I gaze at my friends. They're too scared to say anything, but they don't even have to say anything. I understand how they feel, howsorry and scared they are. But my phoenix, so beautiful in the skies, is now trapped in his deep, depressed emotions when he stares at me when I walk pass him. I smile at him and my lips whisper silent words to him: _I'll be back and I love you until the end of time._

I don't know what the time is when I get out of that dark, empty and scary room. My mind feels different, a lot heavier than before. Like something massive had happened in there while I was locked in that empty, cold room with no light or food or any hope anywhere. But now I can see my beautiful, flaming phoenix again. I want to look at his deep, flame-red eyes again, touch his silky skin, touch his full lips and kiss his forehead. I walk inside our cold room. My friends stare at me. Their faces were white and their eyes scream from sorrow, but I don't see it. I gaze across the room. My phoenix isn't here. My eyes meet sad wolf eyes. My eyes asked the very question: Where is he? Where is my phoenix, my phoenix, able to reborn. No one says anything. They try to avoid eye-contact with me. Then I whisper the question. They shiver, and stare at the floor.

"He… He got a punishment…" I try to examine their faces, but they're just sad. For what, I don't know. Kai didn't come back at the day. The very next day I know why. I wake up and I see Kai sitting on his bed. "Kai! You're back." I state with a smile on my face He doesn't say anything, nor do he smile. My phoenix. I touch his cheek and I sit next to him. I give him a hug. My skin touch his, my lips feel his full, soft lips. My beautiful phoenix once again free in the blue, snowy sky of Moscow. I turn towards the Red one of our group. I ask why he doesn't say anything. Doesn't he see my phoenix, my star of hope? But the fierce wolf just smiles his forced smile. He doesn't say anything. Then he finally nods and sits next to me.

"I don't know how to tell you this… but…" The Red wolf grab some of my bed cover in his fist. I stare at his ice blue eyes.

"He hanged himself from the roof just whew days before youcame back from the punishment" I stare at Ian who said that sentence. He stared at me, his eyes meet mine. I took him on my lap and I rock him. Just so they wouldn't see my tears. I muttered something that no one could hear. He can't be gone, I see him… With my very own eyes. "You're just shock… You see hallucinations. Go to sleep" The fierce wolf says. I go under the covers and Kai kisses my forehead and goes to the window and stares at the stormy sky of Russian night.

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**Sakura wo Miro:**

**I decided to post this here. I have made it for Airtos who hinted that he/sheliked angst-stories. I'm sorry, Airtos, there won't be any rapes or such but Ihope you like it. This story is also my favourite angsting story. I'm sorry that it's so short and it's nostalgia little bit fells down, I made it in one day, and I sort of lost the atmosphere near the end...I hope it's not boring. But it will be beautiful fic, I promise that. I hope you like it**


	2. It got stronger, the sweet scent of you

**Chapter II: It got stronger, the sweet scent of yours**

Weeks flow away, without me noticing them. I live in my own world, a world that I call reality, others call it a hallucination. They worry more about me, and even the usually so cold falcon is trying to understand my "state" like they say it. But I don't care. I just want to see my beautiful Phoenix, who – once again— is free, flying on the empty sky. I haven't written anything on my diary. Nothing since I got punished. But, no day is full with sorrow, when I know that he's watching. He is always near, giving me power to continue. He talks now. We usually talk so much when others are asleep. But after a hours talk, he kisses my cheek and says good night. And very next day, I see him, sleeping on the chair next to my bed. His skin glows like pure snow on the Russian morning, and it feels like the most fine wine. I wake him up. His eyes burn like fire, his sacred element, when he turns his eyes on me. His smile is gentle, innocent, and so beautiful, you look like an angel. I smile back at you.

My friends try to keep my mental state as a secret, they don't want that I get punish because of it. The fierce wolf is now more pale, and when he sees me, his eyes are full of sorrow, When the falcon sees me, he usually turns away, I see his body shaking. And the little one, when he sees me, he stares at me, our eyes meet and his look is full of worry and even anger. Anger towards my Phoenix, towards the things he did.

But I don't really care. All I need is he by my side. He is my star, he will always be. I can feel his warm hug, I can fell his fingers tickle my neck, kiss my cheek and whisper words to my ear: _"I love you"_

But sometimes he isn't happy, then he usually stands on the one corner of our room, Staring me or out of the window. That makes me sad too.

I snap out of my dreams, when the wolf talks to me. It's time to practice. I turn to him, I stand up and I walk pass him. Kai runs next to me, then he slows his running to a walk, so quiet that no one can hear it. He takes my hand and smiles. Today he is happy. I smile back at him. Then I turn my head towards others. They look nervous and unhappy. The falcon seems to be little down today. I don't say anything, he wouldn't answer anyway. The wolf stares at the ground, like he would wish that someone would just bump onto him. But no one does. Ian looks at me, with anger in his eyes. But the anger melts away, when our eyes meet. He looks like he is ready to give up and start to cry. But he doesn't cry. Not here, not now. Kai is only one who doesn't look at me weirdly. I wonder why. I look at him, I smile and I put my hand to his shoulder, but someone puts my hand back to my pocket. The wolf's, Tala's, look is angry, full of anger and fear. He opens his mouth, and talks and his voice is low, like it always is when he is angry:

"Don't do it here! Do you want to get us into trouble, or worse, yourself?"

I stop, I look back at him, and my face is innocent: "I can't help it."

Tala growls when he walks pass me, once he gives me an angry glare, then he orders us to keep going. We do what he says. Kai turns his head towards me, and he looks at me with a worrying look. _"What is wrong with Tala?"_

I shrug but I don't say anything. The wolf turns his head towards us now and then, glares at us with anger in his eyes. But I see something more in his eyes –fear, worry and sadness—, turning down the anger.

Kai cuddles to my arm. Ian walks on my other side and he stares at me.

"If you don't stop that staring, you're going to hit your face onto something" I state to him, not bothering to look down on him. He turns his head, stares at the ground. He has an annoyed or maybe an embarrassed look on his face. He has a light blush too.

Tala pushes the door open, and we step inside. Kai let's go of my arm and he stay by the door. We're like hypnotized when we practice, our only goal is to win our opponents. But I can't concentrate, my look is wandering to Kai, he smiles to me and I can't help myself and I smile back. Suddenly others stop and I turn my head away from Kai, to only notice that Boris is standing right in front of me. His voice is cold like his eyes are mean.

"What is so funny?"

"Nothing, sir." I whisper and I turn my face away from him. He repeats his question but I don't answer.

"Answer."

"I- I was just… Just thinking about beating that guy" I lie and I point one guy, near me. But I don't imagine that I really would have to fight with him. But I have to. I can't concentrate, because now I see Kai perfectly. My thoughts wander to him, he smiles to me and he puts his thump up for luck. I didn't smile to him, but my eyes tell the words to him. He smiles even more. Then I hear a loud 'clang!' when my Seaborg hit the floor behind me. My face was pale as I turned towards our coach. I hear the falcon swallow. Two guards drag me away and then I'm thrown into a empty room after getting an injection.

**_(Author's note: Do not read this paragraph if you see nightmares easily)_**

My mind is messy, I see people around me. They're scary and they threat to hurt me. I step a one step back. But their threats don't have any effects. They hit me to my stomach and they go away, promising that they come back. I sit to the floor, because I know that I can't get out anyway, since there's no windows and the door is lock. It's totally empty room, there's no light, food or even a place where to sleep. Suddenly I hear a quiet 'click' when someone opens the door. I stand up, I stare at the door. My face is pale now.

"M- Mother? Sister's! D- Dad! And… Oh no, not you! Not you!" I yell in fear, as I see my stepfather in front of me. A person I hate the most. All those painful memories fill my head. I remember how he used to come so close when sister's went to the shop and mom was always so sick she couldn't rise from the bed anymore… That son of a bitch came so close, too close! How he pushed me to the bed and hit me and took off my off my pants and hurt me… Because of that I was always full of fear when my sister's, Anna and Nadja, went out. I never knew my father, he died when I was two, but mom says that he was a great man—

I snap out of my memories when I feel something cutting my flesh.

"A-Anna! What are you doing!" I yell and I stare at the kitchen knife that cuts my arm's flesh. I hear a loud bang and then a bullet –that my dad shoot— bite into my right shoulder. I shut my eyes and I hear how my blood hits the floor. I open my eyes again. Then I feel something hit my face so hard that whew of my tooth breaks. I think I swallowed one too. I turn to look who hit me. My mother stands there, proud and strong, without any markings about illness. And she carries a heavy and bloody steak hammer on her right hand. They step closer and I take a step back, until my back hits the wall.

"You can't do this to me! I'm your child! I'm your brother!" I cry to them but they don't say anything. Then Nadja comes closer, pulls me from my ear and whispers: "Yeah, but you left us. We couldn't survive on our own you know…" Then she cuts my ear with scissors! I yelp and I clap my had on my ear. It's bleeding so much. I stare at my hand, that is now painted red from my blood. Then Anna moves fast and I feel pain beaming from my thigh. I look down to my trembling leg. My own sister hit a fork into my thigh! I'm so shocked that I can't even yell.

"Why don't you yell?" my mother hisses. Then I realize that my father and my stepfather aren't there. Then the door opens and they come in and they drag someone with them.

"Kai! Kai! Get away from them! Get away from them!" I yell to Kai and I try to run to him, but my sister's block my way. They hit and slash and hurt my beautiful phoenix, I see his flames go out little by little. I fall to the floor and I cry. I don't want them to hurt my phoenix, my hope, my meaning of life. I try to yell them to stop, but nothing comes out of my mouth. They laugh and my phoenix screams in pain. His sad voice tears my heart. He rises his head and he gives me a pitiful, sad look. He screams even more, when they hit him. My family laughs and yells awful words. I stare at them and I see how my phoenix's hurt body falls to the floor, unable to move.

"Well, this isn't enough? Where's the last drop, boy?" My father asks from me. I can't say anything, when he lifts Kai up from his hair. I stare at them and body shakes.

"No… Don't. Don't do it…" I pray from them, when my father points at my phoenix with his gun.

"The last drop." He whispers and shoots trough Kai's head! I yell in pain when I watch him, my dead phoenix, falling slowly to the ground. Quietly, my family disappears like ghosts. I run to the phoenix's body, I hug him, I kiss his face and my tears wet his face. Suddenly he moves. He takes the fork from my tight and hits it in my face.

"Why didn't you do anything! Why did you leave me to die?" the phoenix yells at me when he stares how I die.

_**(Now you can read again)**_

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"Sir, I think the drug's affection have stop. There's something wrong in that boy. He still screams that boy's name. That one who made a suicide." One of the professors whispers.

"Take him away, we don't need him here anymore. Take him to his room." Our coach said and whew guards drag the panicking and madly yelling blond away.

"Sir, we assume that this boy might not be stable… Mentally." The professor whispers but he is left without answer.

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The guard leaves me to our door and looks at me weirdly. I sigh and I step inside. The wolf stands up and walks to me. "What did you get?"

I don't answer, I just sit to my bed. "Where's Kai?"

"Don't start that again. What did they do to you?" hestates and sits right in front of me. The falcon sits next to me and whispers:

"May I… May I look at your arm?"

I don't react. The falcon speaks again: "I take that as a 'yes'"

He takes off my jacket and my shirt. He looks carefully at my arms and then he strokes my hair.

"You have gone trough much I assume. They gave you that drug that gives scaryhallucinations, did they?"

I nod: "Where's Kai?"

"He's not here. You know it already. He's de—"

"He's NOT dead! He's not dead! He's not… He's not dead…"I yell and I fall to the floor and I cry.

"He is dead and he can't come back! Hey, we miss him too, but you have to move on!" the wolf yells and hits my face.

"I can't…"

Then someone opens the door and Kai comes inside. He is heavily bandaged and he has poor look on his face.

"Kai! You're back!" I yell and I run to him.

"Yeah… I was in a punishment, sort of the same like you were." He whispers and he hugs me tightly. "I love you."

"I love you too" I whisper and I put my hands behind the beautiful, reborn phoenix's neck.

"Oh sweet God of heaven, not again…" Ian whisper's when they look how I hug a thin air.

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Sakura wo Miro:

The second chapter of the oneshot that isn't a oneshot anymore. Please R&R


	3. To the edge and beyond

Chapter III: To the edge and beyond

Kai has been talking to me a lot. We usually stand at the window in the dark, only quiet Moscow's night around us. He entwines his arms around me and looks at the stars, lightning or whatever there is. He whispers few certain words on my ear:

"I want to get away from here…"

I look at him, my dear phoenix. He has flames in his eyes, the flames of hope. He smiles a bit when he turns his eyes at the night-blue sky. His eyes sparkle and the moon lights his beautiful face. I look at him like I would be a dog who wants a snack. Just seeing him is enough for me. If he would tell me to die for him, I would do it.

"Spence?" he whispers to me and I hide him on my arms, "Let's escape together…"

"Escape?" I whisper quietly. His look is gentle but under it there is serious glow. I smile to him and he answers.

"But how are we going to escape?" I ask, looking at my beautiful Phoenix's face gets dark.

"It might not be a safe task… It might cost your life… But are you ready to do it? Are you strong enough?"

I stay quiet and my eyes meet his and then I stare at his feet. I hold him stronger in my arms and he holds me as hard as I do. We're speechless and I enjoy from his warm, soft skin and his silk smooth hair tickling my cheek and chin. I stare out of the window, into the night where I really should be along with my Son of skies. My hand strokes his dual, silky hair as I hold him close to my body, feeling his warm skin next to mine. As he is warm like a fire, I'm as cold as the deepest ocean. And I desperately need his warm lap and heating kisses to keep myself alive. As much I need his clear eyes to guide me in the dark. He is me as much as I'm he. We were meant to be together… I know it. Still, one single doubt lurks in my calm mind.

His eyes meet mine and they get closer and closer. His kiss is burning, it gives hope and meaning to me, who am soulless and dead. Who gives me life as much as I memorize him of the life's darker sides and deaths.

I take him on my arms and I carry him. I carry him to the window and he watches outside, calm night reflecting on his face and making it look even more pale and pure. His eyes burn with that same, beautiful eternal fire as they have always done.

"I will be with you where ever you go. I promise. I go with you" I whisper on his ear. He turns his face towards me and he smiles.

"Then… Open the window" he says but at the same time he takes my hands on his and he kisses them. The kiss is quick but the feeling is more than burning. It almost drugs me as does his steady, calm face and his smiling eyes.

Our lips touch and it's like the cutest venom or the sweetest death that flows trough me. And I feel wonderful.

I open the window and we sit on it. I keep my Phoenix close so he wouldn't fall before I do.

His hair tickles my chin and I laugh a little. He kisses me and I kiss him back.

At the same time a young Snake, youngest of his group, wakes up. Rubbing his eyes, he stands up for a little walk around the room when he notices the blonde sitting on the window. He wants to yell at them, but no voice comes out of his mouth.

The Snake, carefully sneaks behind the lonely Whale. He grabs his teammate's hand, but the Whale doesn't even notice it.

"Spencer, snap out of it!" the Snake tries, but the Whale doesn't hear him, "Spencer! Snap out of it!"

The Snake's voice is – for the first time— begging and sobbing and at the same time desperate and angry.

Then the Whale hears it, and he looks down on the sobbing little boy. He turns a little and whispers:

"What's wrong, Ian?"

"Don't sit there… You might fall…" The snake whispers, hugging and burying his face on the blonde's tight so he couldn't see the Snake's tears that fall fast on his cheeks.

"Don't worry, I won't fall." The blonde whispers, stroking the shorter boy's hair. But really, all that he said was false, when you think of it later…

"Now go back to sleep, okay? And really, don't worry I'll be here tomorrow too…" the Whale's look is promising and caring. He watches as the Snake goes back to the bed, hiding himself under the thin sheet.

"Sleep well…" The little loose-minded blonde smiles and looks at the starry sky.

"… Whatever." The freezing boy whispers and tries to keep himself warm, "Spence… I'm freezing…"

The Whale drops quietly on the floor and gives his own thin and bug-eaten sheet to the small shivering boy. Then he sits at the end of the boy's bed, with Kai next to him.

"I know it's not much, but… " The Whale whispers and his face is pale. But the Snake has already fallen asleep. The Whale smiles and he walks to the open window.

"What are you going to do?" My beautiful Phoenix asks with a questioning look. I don't answer, I just stare outside. Then I turn to my love's side. "We go today... We have to go."

I smile to him and he smiles back. I feel something warm inside me when he smiles to me. But this warmness is so deadly that it gives me Goosebumbs. My son of stars touches my hand and I entwine my arms around him. He buries his face to my clothing.

"I love you" I whisper and I get lost in his eyes.

"I love you too. I love you forever." he answers.

And we fall.

Later next day:

"Do you think he's going to survive...?" The Falcon asks. His eyes look at somewhere where no one else can see. The Wolf, who the question was given to, doesn't answer, he just stares at the dirty floor with a grim face.

"I take that as a no." The Falcon whisers and he tries to get close to the Wolf but he rudely rejects him. The Falcon entwines his arm aroud the Wolf's shoulders but the Wolf pushes him away.

"Calm down, Tala! There's no one here!" The Falcon tries, just do get an angry, hard hit on his face.

"Don't be so... So... Not you! I don't like it! And you can't be sure if they really do watch on us! Let me get this straight: I don' want any more punishments, I don't want to end up like Spencer! I don't want to lose my mind and end up dead!"

The Falcon doesn't say anything. Then he moves a little more far away from the angry Wolf.

"Yeah... I know that but..." The Falcon's voice fades away.

"But what?"

"Nothing. Where did the pipsqueak go?" The Falcon tries to look calm, while a big battle dwells inside him.

"I don't know! Why do you ask from me?!" The Wolf screams and he stands up. He starts to walk aroud, and sometimes he stops and bites his tongue. Then a nurse walks in. The Wolf almost runs to her and the Falcon stands up. The Snake stands behind the nurse, looking grim.

"I'm sorry but... He stopped breathing just a minutes ago. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Yeah right! Whatever! I really bet you care about our loss! Go to hell!" The Wolf screams, trying to hide his tears.

"What had happened to him...?" The Falcon asks quietly after the Wolf has left the room.

"His spine broke three times and his internal loss of blood was also too high. Practically, there was nothing we could have done to save him. I'm sorry."

"It's nothing... Could you do me a favor? Can you bury his body...?" The Falcon whispers and he stares at the nurse's eyes that are dark-brown.

"Y -yes... But don't you want to bury him?"

"No." The Falcon says and he walks with the Snake towards the door. Then they're gone.

Two of them gone forever.

The end.

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**Sakura wo Miro:**

**I'm sorry that it became so short but I wanted to end it quickly. I first small story. There's not gonna be any extras.**


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